12

If you looked, you would see.

See the boy at 15 who had a dream.

See the boy at 17 making choices.

See the boy at 21 coming out of a deep hole of despair.

See the young man of 24 hired and working and polished and bright.

If you saw him at 15 or 17 or 24 you'd see where he'd be as 40 neared.

Thing is, he didn't see it.

I didn't see it. 

I didn't see that taking one path or making one choice here would close down options.

I didn't see that where I was going, while appealing, was not leading to where I wanted to be.

And I feel guilty.  Because now other parties are involved.  Deeply involved.  And they have a huge stake in my future.  In my path. 

And I feel guilty because others want what I've got and so shouldn't I want it, too?

And then I feel happy.  Because there is comfort here.  Where I am.  A comfort I didn't know at 15 or 17.  A comfort I was still unsure of at 24.

I used to be so nervous.  So very serious.  I would sweat a lot.  And I wouldn't talk. 
Because socially inept as I may have been, I was keenly aware that when I did talk, my mind (and mouth) went places others didn't understand.  Or appreciate.  So, I didn't talk because I hadn't learned the basics of small talk.  And I didn't want to go to that strange place. 

I'm better now.  At the talking part.  At self-editing.  My mind still goes in what must be strange directions, though they seem perfectly normal to me -- and so I just work on not saying the words.  Or tuning out the thoughts and focusing really hard on the small talk.  The smiles.  The nods. 

And so I wonder if I had followed my mind in its plan, where would I be?  Alone in an apartment with a teaching assignment at a small college? Seems like a very likely ending.  With office hours and lectures and students who found me interesting, difficult, and kind.  An apartment in an old home stacked with books and papers.  Sometimes on a date but not usually more than three with the same woman.

And there I'd wonder what would have happened had I been more deliberate.  More focused on small talk and small actions and at least understanding social norms.  Would I have a wife?  Would we have children?

And I think: Do most people do this? Do they wonder about all the possible outcomes?  Do they try and determine if they are on the best path? Or do they just go and go and go until they stop?

I think I understand the so-called "mid-life" crisis.  When you get to the "middle" or near it, you start to see what 20 or so years of being an "adult" has brought you.  More interesting, with the gift of that perspective, you begin to see the next 20.  And the 20 after that.  The ones leading up to the end.  And you think: This is my chance.  Whatever I've squandered or missed is gone, but now.  Now, I'll take that risk. Drive that car.  Chase that girl. 

So, I get it. 

And I'm on this path where I've now brought others.  And I will go where it leads.  For now.